Unexpected! I’m made up about it. I love good surprises. This album was composed and recorded during the lockdowns. It gave me strength, distraction and for me, has some powerful invocation music for honouring.
2020-2022 (so far) have been some of the strangest times I’ve known. Some people have struggled and they have become the worst version of themselves. Others have embraced, adapted and flourished. My deepest sympathies go out if you have lost loved ones or even lost yourself.
I rediscovered a part of me and have been lavishing in it ever since.
“Imagination is more important than knowledge” Albert Einstein.
Some of us are more suited academically, some are a bit of both. Some soar into genius. But are the gifted also cursed? Some have good memories for studying facts and are able to articulate a spin cycle in a washing machine, full of ‘already said’ drivel. Then get a reward of a piece of paper that says they have studied a subject well. Then do what with that knowledge? Save the bees, create more happiness, discover the cure? Go and do a job they hate? If you love your job, what do you do? What did you do to get it and get happy in it? What led you down a path of change for the better?
I’ve made peace with the fact that – whilst I do enjoy an interesting (to me) documentary and learn things. Education, learning, courses are no longer for me. I’ve only ever done them for day job career advancement. I have a very short attention span with these things and can often fall unconscious. It feels like a hamster wheel. Saying that… I’ve most likely lost out of some really good things being this way too! I now embrace learning and experiencing opportunities that enhance vibrations and visualizations.
With the creative spectrum. Some swing on an extreme pirate ship pendulum, into realms few understand. Some sit on the edge of a volcanic lava lake of madness. Some cannot cope with their gifts and ‘normality’ brings them isolation, boredom, despair. It’s also worth looking at how open your crown chakras is.
Whilst some enjoy pottering through life watching soaps and scandals. Its not for me. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to only have that as a satisfaction for recreation/pleasure/leisure and enjoy it… Then I shiver at the thought. I find long bouts in front of the TV makes be feel I’m wasting my life. So I just don’t do it.. unless poorly or exhausted having a movie night. My drive is my pressure and my self pressure is my drive. That is not a bad thing. It also helps me relax.
Creatives strive to imagine and produce their best work. Leaving legacies. Some are never satisfied, whilst surrounded by praise. Their talent often undiscovered. If not social media or marketing savvy and shy, it’s easy to be weirded out. When the internet arrived, opportunities came a knocking. It also created overkill. A tidal wave of everything. Too much.
So few shine bright enough to stand out. Self belief, stamina and perseverance is the choice between paving the road for success, sustainability and satisfaction. Or giving up. It just takes one person to like one thing you do.. or one door to open into Narnia! the world is vast.
Words, reputation, ideas and good things get shared. Put a bunch of great musicians in a room, let them jam and you get something raw, improvised and pretty darn wild. 😉 That’s me on drums BTW. – Stinking Rita.
Art covers our walls, some of it will stay, some will be sold, some is commissioned, some is gifted. I love making it. Others love viewing and collecting it. Which is fabulous.
I struggle, sometimes with bouts of melancholy. I mostly put it down to day job stresses. When I’ve worked in mundane jobs, or in my NHS Career. ‘My crack at a responsible job.’ I suffer the same troubles. Maybe I am just not meant to do that? The universe is telling me to just do the things that makes me happy. Art and music. But sensible chatty head makes me pay my way. Relying on benefits is not for me.
My mission 2022 onwards is making enough money from my creativity, taking the leap of faith to survive. As one gets older, one seeks more comforts. I am also super sensitive and in tune with vibes. If you put me around negative folk, I go on that one way rollercoaster, riding that sponge to Hell!
I have to constantly practice ‘self shielding’ and protecting myself can be draining when caught off guard, yet set routines can help prevent suffering when joy vacuums pop up unexpectedly. Put me in a field of flowers with blue skies with laughter… Put me amongst positive people. We attract the seekers of healing. Its just who we are.
Yesterday I nearly resigned, I’d seriously had enough. I am tired. Work is affecting me in very negative ways, its creating arguments at home. My moods are shit. But last night I slept, exhausted. I slept really, really well for the first time in ages! I feel full of vitality today. A supportive colleague today said that laughter at work helped. All I want to do is scream and cry. My job is far from the worst of them. I will also add that the current government should be ashamed!
I seek peace and comfort. I’ve not had a proper break for months. Many others are far worse off than myself. So I’m grateful. But it still doesn’t stop me feeling low, helpless, loyal to the NHS but living in despair. Whilst some are able to work from home. I’m a few steps away from the front line. But my pity party continues… big respect and thanks to my colleagues/ team who are working / multi tasking, going far above and beyond their job remit. Short staffed but a big family who are supporting me in dark moments.
Massive gratitude to Richard and Norma at the weekend for their hospitality. I’ve never needed a gong bath so much!
I’ve been eating so much veg, (especially avocado’s) to feel good inside and to combat my winter dark mood. Toilets and Ange my wifey are not thanking me though! That’s on top of vitamin D 365 days a year and a few other supplements. Going for weekend walks in the wilderness is healing.
I believe in enjoying my journey with creativity. I’m humble at praise. I pity the person that ‘just wants fame and huge monetary reward.’ The art and pleasure is in ‘making’ the art. Fame hunger is an empty egotistical want in my opinion. But if life was fair and just, non of us would have anything to bicker and bitch about. Imagine the concept – when there is just happiness….
My own happiness: I am confident that I create things that satisfy me. So if others like it.. Then that my friends.. is even better. In a world full of imitations and 12 music notes to choose from. Where is there to go? There is a cosmic piano that we play that takes us to multiple dimensions in our spirit and imagination. What a ride!
Whilst it is very easy for me to crawl into bed in an evening during January after a demoralizing, challenging and soul destroying day working in the NHS during the ‘Omicron’ surge. I want to break free…my solution and survival tactics? Well….
Alas there is a way that is getting me through. Like I’ve said. Whilst I’ve had many moments ready to throw the towel in through extra workload piled on, frustrations, burnout covering staff sickness, wanting to escape it. Do I hope my feelings change? Or is it the reason to leave? As the suffering upon my physical and mental health is not good. For one that likes to focus on projects uninterrupted. I chose the wrong job! I always chose the wrong day job…
For myself. I love creating stuff. Whether that be art, sculpture or music. I’m not one to recreate a photograph. I interpret. I create abstract. with music, I create melody, rhythm, calm. Both generate good feelings whether on the eyes, fingers or ears. You can very much benefit from vibrations without listening. Sound Therapy/ Gong Baths. – If I would have found them 20 years ago. I don’t think I would have done a lot of the self destructive things I’ve done to myself.
I’d never class myself as ‘normal.’ I just have a different thought process. An odd child. I tried to eat bumble bees. (I have no memory of this) Shyness has ruled, social uncomfortableness.. some days I’m ok. Some I cant bear to be around people. My mind chatters like you would not believe. But creating and not surprisingly meditation shuts it up. This works for me.
I have always been creative. A gift or learned? From crayons to paints, from keyboards to guitars, drums and many other instruments… I only know I enjoy it and find it easy to do. That doesn’t mean I haven’t practiced it and dedicated my life. I have. Things flow easy like a stream. I often think I’m a conduit. A human that channels ‘things.’ I don’t have to think too much. I simply set an intention. I’m well practiced at this, like anything, it didn’t just happen over night. Decades of commitment. Rewarded with a body of work, enjoyment and experience. The end result of ‘going with the flow’ is very lovely. Like my abstract art and improvised musical performances, this blog will be rife with grammatical errors. Perfection is not for me.
Imagination and my Tribe: I’ve always had vivid dreams. The tiniest element of ‘normal or not.’ Reality can warp into something truly freaky, occasionally very nice. What I put in – is what I get out on my sleepy time movies, experiences.
Dimensions, dreams of flying, spirit guides… Often have I connected with someone, I’ve been intrigued. I don’t mean sexually like a predator—oh nooooo!!!… but intrigued at what makes them shine.. to me anyway. Whilst walking down a crowded street, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible.. The masses look grey to me. But put me at a concert at Hyde Park in London or a festival/gigs with true music lovers and the masses look vibrant. Maybe bonding with the energies with like – minded music lovers? = My Tribe.
If I’m actively engaging with people. It means I’m interested, collaborating. If I’m not. They have either fallen of my radar and I’m not being rude… or being rude – I have no interest. That sounds really terrible… But it’s the truth. I drift…..
I’m not sure if there is a ‘Claud forever’ gang. I have drifted through short lived friendships, acquaintances, a couple of intriguing harmless obsessions/crushes. One night stands and a few relationships. (Not including my life relationship with Ange, who is my world) In my experience, some have taught me valuable lessons and then it was time to move on. I’ve never departed from my musical instruments. Whilst did put my art to bed from time to time.
What I do know is that I’m most alive when creating. “Everything has beauty. but not everyone sees it.” Confucius
With art, I don’t use words. With composition, I don’t use words. Mixing colours, tones, melodies to create beautiful things is marvelous.
View some of my art creations:
My personal ethos: Creating colourful oil paintings and music brings me the kind of satisfaction.. when you feel really, really well, healthy. When you get the double flake in a Mr Whippy ice cream. When you lay on grass on a perfect day, staring up into the big blue beautiful skies. Making out images in the clouds. The touch, or words that gives one butterflies. When you see and feel something so wonderful. It shakes your very soul.
Satisfaction…When you get to the summit of the mountain, or the top of a hill, small or large and it HURTS! Or just make it through the day alive.
With my art and music; I feel I have contributed. I have paid it forward. That I am giving pleasure to the people. Not all the people, as one cannot expect all to enjoy ones offerings. But that gives me satisfaction. It gives me purpose. After I’ve departed. There will be a body of works left. I’m certainly not taking them into the next plane/ spirit level.
I’ve got to say. Music life is a good life. I enjoy it immensely. Whilst in some ways I regret not pursuing it more vigorously when younger, one is never too old to vigorously pursue ones loves. I was too busy/stupid in some ways escaping the world – getting drunk and stoned, but productive song writing and recording music in home studios. Maybe I held myself back? Or maybe all of that led to this and the now.
Then there is blissful silence. It gives me space to breathe and really focus. I do not have music blaring constantly. I like to focus, when I focus. Distractions when I’m focusing and being pestered brings out the worst in me. I’m short tempered, moody, snappy and overreact. I do this to loved ones and not to strangers. I should not do this at all. Why the rush to create so much..? Time will tell. It’s a conviction, an urge, a volcano. I cannot resist the impulse. I cannot ignore it. It wont let me. It a burning desire. An addiction that’s detox is misery and feeling worthless and frustrated. It’s not easy being me.
Creativity awakens my Kundalini
In my mind – I cannot fathom getting any pleasure (and I know many people do) out of doing a puzzles or a jigsaw that creates a picture. I would just paint a picture if I needed to pass the time. I find passing the time, I’m wasting time. Or being taught how to paint like Bob Ross. It is copying. Same as covers bands who get the claps and praise. They are a copy. Nothing kudos or new about it. Creating a ‘one off’ is so much better for keeps. Now this is not being arrogant and cocky or superior. It’s just the way I think, Its my opinion in my head. I drive my own frustrations basically…Yes I piss myself off.
When not doing the above. We travel, explore…I immensely enjoy the journey, sometimes am a little sad at the arrival destination. My relaxation is exploring the destination, its culture, its sights, food, offerings. Memory banking. The return home is never good. Even though our little house is our home, we love our pets and miss them. The city where we live is not our destiny. We are constantly drawn elsewhere. My soul drives me on an endless road looking.. searching for that perfect spot where I can rest.
When tired after a challenging day in winter. I’ll get in bed in an evening with the cats and indulge in YouTube. I am currently addicted to Mav, Cecilia Blomdahl, Eamon & Bec, Sailing La Vagabonde, Kinging -It, The exPAWers, Elsa Rhae & Barron, Jonna Jinton, Girl in the Woods, Earthfiles, The Endless Adventure, Eva Zu Beck, Bush Radical, Max & Occy, My Self Reliance, Casey Neistat, Adventures with Clange 😉 (I thank Lockdown for finding them and more) I did begin watching Secrets of the Whales on Disney channel. Had to turn it off once they showed seals being ripped apart… Yes its nature… but it upsets me. If I watch a horror film (rarely now – going back to the dream thing!) no amount of gore bothers me. But a real living thing suffering, scared… Nope, nope, nope. Yet I still eat meat. Not a lot of it.
Evening viewing could range from UFO’s, aliens, the cosmos, spiritual journeys, werewolf sightings, Big foot. Last night I watched on YouTube ‘Meet the Mennonites: Inside the Ultra-Conservative Community – ENDEVR documentary’ I took from this their contentment, but they knew only what they had experienced, mostly the simple life of education, building, religion, family set tasks and expectations and survival without societies expectations or pressures. But in some ways missing out on games, travel to see beautiful new places, try new foods. Well it is not for them.
I also watched‘Poverty in the World’s Richest Country: Meet the USA’s Poorest People – AMERICAN Poverty Documentary’ From YouTube Java Discover – Free Global Documentaries & Clips. It brought a lump to my throat and tears. In this age. People should not have to live in cars, in streets, in tents getting leftover display pizza for food. This doc was only a snapshot following a few people’s lives. For whatever reason people end up like that, whether it was due to circumstance changes. I counted my blessings last night. After a terrible Monday at work. Which followed on from a challenging 8 months, with more and more pressure and expectation without resource
This is where the balance and the joy come in. Creativity drives me, its compulsive; it makes me happy, satisfied. I’ve learned how to pick up a brush and pallet knife and slap paint on a canvas. I pick up an instrument and make notes, combine them, layer instruments, like paint and try to make something colourful. I create vibrations that travel forever. What a beautiful gift to give. When my bones turn to dust.. creatives continue…
I just finished the album – Goddess 2. Pretty pleased as I’m ahead in album composition and recording in my home studio – which has been my lockdown sanctuary and a hub of productivity. As well as the ambient ‘Pilgrimage of Elements’ releasing at the end of August 2021. I’m all set for Goddess 2.
My Track ‘The Triple Goddess’ musically entertains 3 sections to represent each part.
Vlog and music clips here: (restricted mode)
I’ve rearranged the album track order, to begin the journey with a more haunting, ethereal feel. As there area a few upbeat and melodic tracks.
Whilst my Altar worships the Goddess and her forms. I also wanted to accompany my popular track ‘Goddess Temple’ with The Triple Goddess.
Creating art is an exquisite experience. To release colour, shapes, visions, abstracts into surfaces, objects is something that I’ve enjoyed from childhood. Our home is filled with it. Alas it’s time to progress and create more to sell for more collectors to enjoy. I can’t take it with me when I pop my Clogs… and only my Vlogs and music remain.
Time to not glance at the horrors of the news, the manipulations of facts, the speculations and opinions that only lead to dark thoughts and times.
My clouds are colourful. As my hands age… each second.. each moment. I make the most of my every day dexterity. I choose legacy and bliss. Thank the power of Specsavers for Varifocals in ones mid 40’s!
My latest work in progress:
Creating a Crystal Guitar. Energy Art – Claudine West – Video.
It’s been a vibrational weekend. You know when you get that tired, but buzzing you can’t sleep before or after.. Then Monday happens FFS.
We participated at the LizianEvents Newark Well Being Market 10th & 11th July 2021. I have a table with my music on at the shows. I’m not a saleswoman. The thought of it gives me inner and outer turmoil. So please do talk all things musical with me and I’m relaxed. Ange deals with business, negotiation and money. I’ve afforded CD duplication runs some of my Earth Tree Healing albums, for hard copy seekers of independent artist relaxation, meditation and melody – positives to a pandemic and not going out or on manyAdventures With Clange (Our YouTube Vlog) in 2020/2021. It truly is an honour when I connect with people who already have some and enjoy the music I channel. Success to me is others finding and benefitting from my finger dribblings.
Financial gains are reinvested in instruments, music releases. I have a full time challenging at times and pandemics day job within the Supply Chain, Procurement function, (without adequate pay rises for over a decade!) In the NHS. As well as Ange’s relentless hard work 7 days a week as a self employed bird running 3 businesses. That affords our bills, rent and a few treats and adventures.. Plus extra satisfaction that I’m doing my bit for helping patients. I’d previously walked away from 18 years in retail – As could no longer bear the abuse, whining and violence from the general public, rubbish hours and rubbish pay. Being non stop in employment from the age of 16. It has been a slog. Times I haven’t coped, needed time outs…Motivations, ambition and trying every day gets us one step closer. Pity parties, well… happen but get dealt with. But now is time to focus on futures. This journey is great.
Before Ange and I became patrons of these shows. I’d been a bit cynical about having ‘therapies’ especially with the people about in a big venue. Housing a mind that wanders and chatters more than the easy morning birds. I meditate at home in solitude…Music is my meditation too. Well until the cats realise and head butt the healing room door miaowing – thinking I’m dead! I’m also quite new to sound therapies. I’ve been committed to creating my own vibrations musically for 30 years. I’d not really explored it. Now friends, I confess…I’m a true convert and addict. If you haven’t tried it, what have you to lose? You may discover something that releases, balances, journeys and opens up something truly amazing.
Now we are full blown participants. Ange focusing fully with selling magical herbal incense, handmade candles etc with Fenix Flamesand the book publishing side. She did used to do Tarot Readings at the events. But is busy enough doing it as her ‘day job’ from home, and wants to focus on building the Fenix Flames business. When people come in asking, ‘where are the witches?’ it’s an honour. Ange loves doing talks and demonstrations. Genuinely helping others with their paths. Making money with integrity business is one thing. Being affordable and accessible is paramount. But there is also a responsibility for others and doing things the right way without greed or jealousy. A customer and client has a choice. There are enough for all.
We connect with community members. I now do a ‘Tongue Drum’ accompaniment with Alan Wood’s Native American Traditions and Saging Ceremonies outside the venue at the events. Which are now followed by a Guided Meditation by Ange and live sounds my me outside (weather permitting) Ange and I are planning to record some new Earth Tree Healing guided meditation CD’s off the back of great feedback. I also play the Tongue Drum for Don and Carol Harradine’s Taiji demonstrations and Qigong. We have built lasting friendships with this community. It’s one big family.
Even though Ange and I have Bitch Fit domestics, when I’ve spent all my show ‘pocket money’ on treatments and ask for more £. :-0 A treat! I purchased some Orgonite Pyramids from Mysical Messengers which are a stunning addition to our healing room and home studio.
Saturday: Before kick off of the event. A gong bath by Richard Hissittwho I’ve also commissioned to build me solfeggio tubes (used for healing) Every time I embark on a gong bath spiritual journey. It involves other worldly visions, a great feeling of out of body departure and relaxation. I remember looking up in my minds eye to a blue sky above the purple haze and seeing a mothership in the clouds. Very UFO related. A subject I actively enjoy. I’ve very excited for future ventures with Richard, Norma and Luna.
Sunday: Congeries of Sound Therapy. The show before this… Intrigue and Iza Moon convinced me to try. Eyes closed. Breathing calmer. As the frantic mind chatter subsided. The pulsating shapes and colours came. A psychic lava lamp. Brilliant light. A rush of the purest fresh air… breathing. A clearance. When I’m the presence of masters, archangels..The presence of God. The energies are strong. The journey to my true self is underway. I’m still struggling to speak my full truth. As the day job and study blocks send my mind chatter into crazy. The fear of letting go and fully embracing my creativity is a struggle beyond previous addictions. The advice and truths given were absolute, not offensive and perfect. Each session different in tone, instrument, therapeutic act. There are moments when I wish I’d pressed record. The Rav Vast Drum played a hauntingly soul encapsulating melody. Darren channels his guides. I’m now saving up for one – patience Claud, the wait is worth the reward! My latest (as I invest all back into it and album renewals on Tunecore for my Earth Tree Healing digital releases) music royalties are currently tied up in releasing my new album ‘Pilgrimage of Elements.’ I’m trying not to sound like ‘Braggy McBragville from Bragland’ stating I really enjoyed composing, recording and listening to this album. Its proper chill. I love it. It kept the darkness from the door during the last year I tell thee!
The song and tone is beautiful. Thank you Darren. Congeries of Sound Discussing Shamanic Healing and the joy of sound therapy. Iza also had just bought one, after experiencing treatments from Darren too. We will all be going to ‘Rav Vast drums’ Addicts Anonymous soon!
Here is a video of me performing at this event. (I’ve asked advice from Mr Timothy and a really good iphone mic is also on my shopping list to buy)
My path is clearer. Synchronicities.. Please so help me by listening to my music and sharing. Getting out there to more listeners really does pay me to invest in making more music.
I’d been looking forward to annual leave from my NHS day job for months. We should have been going to Cyprus. (But that certain pandemic put a stop to that!) So on 1st April 2021. We travelled to Mablethorpe on the east coast of middle England and it’s surrounding coast on a Clange road trip – our first visit to the sea in months. It was really cold. On our 10th Handfasting Anniversary. The desolation of pre season pandemic seaside towns, that look like a zombie apocalypse movie set, with an endless sea of empty caravans. Just added to my feelings of bleakness whilst searching for sunshine. But the Nutella doughnuts were good. Video below.
A positive though is that it has enabled us to invest in 7 of my Earth Tree Healing albums duplicated onto CD to sell – via
Taking full advantage of lockdown confinement. I’ve just completed a new ambient album in my home studio called Pilgrimage of Elements. Music Links
What stemmed from seeing a word #Werifesteria on a friends social media post (thanks Don!). ‘Werifesteria’ – verb meaning to wander longingly through the forest in search of mystery.’ This set me off on and exploration without physical boundaries.
Connection to Earth (Werifesteria) Water (Azure Oceans) Fire (Sacred Fire) Air (Anima) and Spirit (Divine Journey)
Tracks are just under 10 mins each. The music is less melodic, more ambient. Very nice to meditate to. The track ‘Sacred Fire’ features a recording of tribal drumming round the fire at a Pagan Tribal Gathering Camp.
This year, as I explore the countryside on new ‘Adventures With Clange.’ I’ll add footage to the music.
Whilst I experience a blissful state composing. Something dark affected me badly last week. It’s been creeping up on me again for a while. I had put it down to exam nerves, relentless working fatigue. Working from home has its ups and downs, but I am very grateful my bosses have kept me safe and workplace has been really supportive with wellbeing for staff. I’m so glad I have Ange to talk to about this stuff. Who really helps sort ‘me’ out.
I have loved being in the company and pestered by our cats Pattie & Rambo (even though we lost Tipsy last year, I was lucky to spend lockdown #1 with her, unknowing at the time she would have to be put to sleep in November. Which broke our hearts. Check out @clangecats on Instagram.
Ange works from home anyway downstairs, so I located myself upstairs. As to not get on each other’s boobage. I’d felt really quite unwell mentally and physically recently. Anxiety was creeping back. Neglect of the basics of wellness is not good for me. I’d talked about it with Ange. She asked if I was still taking my vitamin D? I’d stopped the extra high strength dose a few months ago to have a break, whilst trying different supplements. Well….. there is a lesson again for me, during a winter that I’ve spent shielding indoors. It’s felt really cold and dark. My blissful safe 4 walls has kept me safe and warm. The cross trainer providing exercise. But the 4 walls had begun to make me feel trapped. I craved green trees and blue skies. I kept telling myself all these mind chatter negatives and problems were smaller than I thought. Everything will be and is actually all good.
Constant fatigue, mind fog, generally feeling off, muscle aches, lack of energy.
The lack of the Sun. That wonderful warmth that bursts through clouds to recharge body and soul had been lacking. I’d managed a brief bicycle ride after getting mine serviced. But sat in a bitter cold wind, cursing myself for not braving cold walks outdoors. My whisker biscuit temporarily ruined again, getting used to the saddle! Ouch! My knees sound crunchier than crushing crackling. Self rage. Missed opportunities. But this Lockdown has seen healthier eating habits form and weight loss.
Am I Peri-Menopausal? Something is definitely changing in that department. Being in my mid forties now. Having to get varifocals too. Wow. With that comes hobbies, such as an extreme liking for visiting garden centers and comparing cheese scones. Whilst getting routine medical things back on track (hunt my Cervix for my smear test has been another drama! and that’s another story best served cold graphically with friends and family!!!! – The 3rd medical profession found it! )
I’d tried an apple cider vinegar supplement capsules. (As wanted to to get away from drinking shots.) Unfortunately they constipated me and gave me tummy ache.. Gutted.
So what did I do? That I personally feel helps me.
I started again on high dose vitamin D, Meditation, a quality Royal Jelly tablet added. (Along with already taking Turmeric and Bee Propolis.)
Reconnected with Reiki – as I do when I meditate.
The blue healing candle on my music altar burned unusually high and brightly. Rambo cat came in the room meowing, woke me with a start, back into the muggle land matrix. Then the smoke alarm went off. Terrifying all in the house!
I had a CIPS (Chartered Institute of Procurement and Supply) exam yesterday at college. A retake, as I’m really not academic my memory is shot. I revise and revise. The experiences of failing exams,(especially nasty when it’s 2% from a pass!) on a subject such as commercial contracting for example – something I neither have personal interest in, nor job experience – is a punch in the fanny. But you get knocked down. The drive to complete, finish the course gets one back up again.. after a pity party, disappointed tutor of course. A change of approach to study time, utilising more resources for the theory understanding. When exam questions seem gibberish, unintelligible – the rot of self doubt, shame, frustration and incompetence creeps in. Then the ‘Claud – you are a creative! Once this qualification is complete. You can fully focus on your bliss again…and have life back…. kicks in. ‘Ange will also remind you how fooking mardy and miserable you have been. I just need to stop trying to fit in, in muggle land. It was never meant to be for me. Can’t talk the talk, or kiss the arses. Lockdown isolation from people has generated an even bigger rethink of ones future. Just got to make it happen. Working for the greater good, sacrifices selfish gain.. I can live with that (Enough rahing on Claud!!! Well Anyway!)
Balancing this – an apprenticeship level 4 Diploma, full time day job work and being a musician/composer. (Violins in background, tiny ones too) Really is a challenge. This year I’ll complete. 2 years later… But better to have done it during a year of lockdown and achieved another qualification for day job work. Having spoken to fellow students and their struggles with this course. I now do not feel as bad and traumatized as before. I need to stop being so harsh with myself. In hindsight. My lack of ability to concentrate had also, I believe been part of my vitamin D deficiency symptoms. On top of my obligatory seasonal SAD issues.
Those that moan of lack of time, motivation or boredom. Get off your arses, do not wine to me! Nothing is free, hard work pays off. It might not be pleasant and will piss you off and tire you out. Procrastinating is non productive. A wasted life is bitter spent. ‘Poor me’ is easy, pro activity pays off, you don’t need to read a fucking self help book to find that one out.
I met and fell in love with ‘Godzilla.’ A tortoise. You hold them like a burger. Listening to his breath, and him kicking me with surprisingly strong legs, has left me filled with a surprisingly huge new found affection. They are going to find him a girlfriend at West Notts College. Love him.
We drove up to The Peak District at the weekend. (Now lockdown rules are relaxing and remaining very careful and socially distancing…. and our use of home lateral flow tests to keep friends and family safe) we’ve both had our first vaccine doses. The AstraZeneca one. Only side effects for both of us was fatigue the next day. (A duvet day helped and lost weekend) If I start growing gills at 50 and mutating…Well at least I’d had had a few good holidays.
Fresh air, amazing views. Beautiful, snowy, great fish and chips.
Clange Video here
So in conclusion. I’m starting to feel much better, sleeping better. That inner and outer wellbeing feeling is returning. The world is not so dark. Spring has sprung pretty blossoms. Looking forward to a summer of safe adventures, even if we cant leave the UK. As ever thank you Ange for putting up with me, loving me and supporting me when I’m a Twunt.
Take care, be kind, adventure, be happy – Claudine
In other news: My winter PlayStation gaming is done. Playing Days Gone and The Last of Us 2 have been nightmare winter inducing zombie games. Fortunately neither have turned me into a crazed potential murderer or violent individual.
Not watching the drivel of the doom mongering news, has enabled mind wellness. A pursuit into physical and spiritual wellness follows. More time spent connecting with trees.
Massive thanks to the following YouTube creators for getting us through lockdown after Netflix and The Mandalorian. I’d not chosen to read books, as found my mind was too exhausted studying and I have a tendency to fall asleep, neverminded how riveting. Maybe I’ll try audio books. These are a few of our discoveries and favorites. As well as Friday night virtual foodie adventures exploring the planet virtually and planning our own.
As spring catapults my happy vibes into sunshine land. A few days annual leave in lockdown has allowed some serious home studio time. (A needed break from NHS day job land) I spent the day composing & recording FRIGG for my 2022 album – GODDESS 2. I wanted to experiment and challenge myself with a lot more live instruments, rather than just midi sounds on Logic Pro X. A brilliant wellbeing boost. We had got up early to venture to the river (a local blessing during pandemic restrictions) having done a long walk the previous day (for us) on the journey to better fitness. My knees were murderous following it. Venturing out, whilst social distancing during shielding is a novelty. But after lockdown #1 over indulgences and laziness during working from home. (It’s started so well too!) We have both incorporated healthier eating and much needed exercise into lockdown 3. No crisps on the monthly internet shop! I do love Ange’s swearing and BF’s when we get the delivery of bulk goods that she lugs into the kitchen. Rarely will we need to visit supermarkets now. Farm shops selling local produce from small businesses is our weekly fresh shopping. I can’t thank The Real Milk Company enough.
It’s a long, but sensible road ahead…. (I won’t be posting weigh ins on social media – as it pisses me off when others do it, to only put twice as much weight back on, once their ‘diets’ end) We are entertaining some of the secret stalkers and virtually interacting with Ange’s family down south with ‘Ange’s lockdown Gousto live cooking videos’ and other troffing experiences. We can’t eat out, so eating in is the new thing. Can’t beat a good cull and unfollow or others uninteresting, joy vacuuming negative and argumentative shite. Give me Batzilla the bat or @celinaspookboo frankly hilarious sleepwalking exploits on TikTok any day.
Ours is a gradual lifestyle change. Removal of unhealthy snacks and better managing portion sizes, along with exercise is making both of us feel better.
Watching the sunrise through river mists is an ethereal experience. Whilst hints of winter still cools ones toes. The sunshine warms up my hope for better days of freedom outdoors and normality. With our April Cyprus holiday cancelled. Ange & my sister in law are surprising us with a mystery 2022 big holiday abroad. I love a good surprise! We frantically scrambled to book a short Cornwall break (lockdown end permitting) in May. So at least we get to see the sea. Fingers, legs and fanny crossed!
Ange had her covid vaccine. So whilst pandering to her every need (as she had mine afterwards) copious cups of tea. I spent Sunday 28th Feb 2021 having a wonderful indulgent time improvising aka composing. Featuring acoustic guitar, tongue drums, kalimba, tambourine, baroque organ and love eggs. Whereas filming myself does disrupt my creative flow slightly, it really is a great way to remember my journey. Watch my video of the session here. A really good accomplished day. It also feels good to get out of a PMT driven funk.
We are expanding the formats of LizianEvents News Podcasts. As the demand is growing Liz and I feel it is important to evolve and test how different format will work. Claudine West was gracious to offer her support and test the water. So pleased are we with the potential of the show The Banquet Podcast…
LizianEvents News Podcasts are becoming known for diversity and free-flowing thought. Is this the reason they have a Worldwide following? Could Be! One certainty is the recordings will continue. 40 more words