There are no words that can fully describe the sudden loss of my mum on March 25th 2022, aged 69. I’ve always dreaded the eventual loss off a parent. I’m not here to discuss the finer details of her passing. Just to say that to us it was unexpected for us and sudden. For my Mum, I think she knew things were going wrong long before she was admitted to hospital. As a family – we had been planning her coming out, not knowing what was about to occur leading up to her time of death 12.17pm. Whist I have comfort in my oven beliefs of the great beyond. It doesn’t make the shock and grieving any easier. Time……
“Grief is tidal. In time, it can recede and leave us with feelings of peace and advancement, only for it to wash back in with all its crushing hopelessness and sorrow. Back and forth it goes, but with each retreating drift of despair, we are left a little stronger, more resilient, more essential and better at our new life.” – Nick Cave
We’d got word that mum had spoken to Dad around 9am and was in good spirits and ok that Friday morning. But they were doing tests, due to a heart attack at some point. Later that day, I had been sat outside for a lunchtime break enjoying the sunshine and cherry blossom tree at work. Unknown to me Mum had already died by then. I got a phone text from my Brother to call my Dad urgently at 4pm. Just as I was finishing work. From that moment on. My world collapsed. (My mum had escaped Covid. But complications from having type 1 Diabetes as a teenager had taken its toll….)
What followed…Shock, disbelief, imaginings. The incessant replaying of my imaginary version of events in the hospital room she died. Her last texts….My Dads breaking.. utter, complete devastation, anger, not knowing why. I chose not to see her. But remember her in better times. I’d seen her the Sunday before she was admitted into hospital and spoke to her on the phone there Wednesday before. We had a pretty positive conversation, she seemed hopeful to be discharged the following week…That was not meant to be. is preparedness for a death easier than a sudden death, or is watching the decline and often suffering worse? (We have finally got the post mortem results, which have helped explain things)
I’ve never cried so much, never felt so lost. I continue to have moments where I question life and what the point is, my own mortality and health. Even though I’m a practicing spiritual being and very imperfect. The older I get the more I focus on our happiness and health. As wealth, and possessions matter little to the dead. Making memories, experiences and doing some good in the world being me great contentment and purpose.
At the age of 46, I lost the option to hug my Mummy physically. I miss that energy and pure love. I took 2 months off work to process, exist, work through exhaustion, support my Dad. I’m eternally grateful of friends, neighbours, the well being community for all of their kind words, actions and support. Its really has and is helping.
My mum was a card carrying Olympic gold medal winner of worrying. (I wish she had not absorbed and obsessed the news so much and focussed on happier things.) She was mad as a box of frogs, very eccentric and extremely set in her ways, had extremely sensitive hearing, where noise really bothered her. Never listened to a word we told her with ‘our news,’ we just got a ‘Well anyway!’ We often had disagreements and differing opinions. But she was also very kind and generous, would do anything for people. She was my mummy. We will miss going round for her buffet spreads and her stories of her elastic snapping and her skirt falling down in B&Q carpark. Then to hold it up all the way round shopping, only to tell my Dad later. The last few years were restrictive with visits, mum getting out and us keeping them safe, due to the Pandemic. In some ways, from what she said, she thought there would never been a return to normality with it all. In some of her last writings/ instructions, she said to visit her and ‘tell her our news..’ well we can now without interruptions! There was also an emphasis about us all being good humans and looking after each other.
She brought me into this world to experience it, that wonderful precious gift of life and hands for music making. All 3 of us children has been very poorly at birth, but thankfully we all survived. She told us she was pleased she had been here for some of our milestone birthdays. But had hinted she may not be here for her 70th. She loved her collection of over 1000’s Teddy Bears, her garden, nature and their cat ‘Mew.’ My parents were married 51 years. Together for a bit longer. Mum hated social media, so I was ‘banned’ by her from posting videos/ photos of her. Meaning I never got as much footage as I would have liked.
In the darkness of my grief. I began creating music. Dedicating it to Motherhood, loss and her memory. We had to wait a month for her natural burial at Tithe Green – a beautiful, peaceful place, where a cherry tree will be planted on her grave later this year, at the next plantings. (and a non religious insistence from mum in her final instructions) I played one of the tracks ‘Mother’ as she was interred. Along with her favourite Local Hero music by Mark Knopfler ‘Wild Theme’ and ‘Whistle Theme.’ (Also played on what would have been her 70th birthday on June 20th) by her grave, surrounded by her family.
Some things I never discussed with my Mum, Some things I just could not. But my music communicates all I need to say to her and about her. It has been an emotional journey. Crying in my home studio, creating this. Its also been healing. Whilst One never truly gets over loss and death, you learn to live with it. Initially I spoke I feared I’d never be able to feel joy again. It is all part of the steps of grief. there is no exact timetable and order to it. Even now something will set me off. I changed my next of kin contacts to remove my mum yesterday and it set me off crying. Going in a shop and seeing something she would have liked as a gift, or a flowery dress. There is an emptiness that comes with loss of a loved parent. When it first happened, I kept crying out ‘I want my mummy.’ As if the child of me and in me reawakened.
Watch my music and memories below.
Track listing: Album ‘Mother’ (Released later in 2022)
Butterflies and Bees
Our Love is Undying
The Cherry Tree
We’ve had messages, signs she is about in spirit and is ok. This gives me peace. My Dad is our main focus now, in supporting him and helping him in his twilight years. Cherish every moment, every day and spend quality time with your loved ones…… I take every days as it comes, work on myself, maintain my mental health, diving more into life changes, moving house, booking things to look forwards to. Good food, fresh air, forests. As much as I can Meditation and Reiki practice. Our new home we are moving to in August, is already known to me literally as ‘Healing House.’ We made the decision to move a while ago and began readying ourselves by de-junking and packing boxes. Seeing our new house and confirming its a definite goer was a good thing. I’ve discussed mortality with my Dad. plus our want to buy land and go and live a simple life. The escape from society can be achieved. Escaping from oneself, ones fears and issues is not so easy. I tried to escape and leave it all behind for a few days and short break in Somerset. NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. It followed me with a vengeance. Dealing and fronting up to all of this, is a hard slog. A massive thank you to Ange, my wifey. I have put her through a lot of shit and upset. She has helped us all so much. Ange – I love you so much. xxxx
Ange told me the moment my mum passed, my Grandma (her mum) was waiting to take her. My Mum was never a believer in anything spiritual, ghosts, afterlife and had abandoned any previous Religious beliefs (Due to the horrors of the world-‘What God would allow so much suffering etc) I always said to her, she would find out it was all real one day. Now she has! She is fine, we are all not so fine. I’ve been given messages and information from a trusted Psychic reader (separately from Ange) that no one else would know. Which is really reassuring, comforting and interesting.
I’d gone upstairs, in the room that my mum used to do her jigsaws in. Not been in there for months at Dads. The clock on the wall had stopped dead at 12.17 (the time of death) I’d shouted down to my dad about this and checked that my brother and sister had not altered it. He said that clock had stopped the year before, mum had asked him to change the battery and he had not…..
Mum has been around a lot in my dreams lately. This brings comfort and upset as I miss her. I’ve talked to many people about loss. My loss is not comparable to yours, as we all experience different journeys with it. But kind of all join that ‘club.’
“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world–the company of those who have known suffering.” Helen Keller
There are people with far more tragic losses with their given circumstances. But it does in a good way, feel nice to help others with my own experiences. As positive things can come out of all of this too.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
You can watch the ‘Adventures with Clange’ moving house bitch fits and series here
There is also my own talking therapy Claud Vlogs:
My Dad ‘Face Timed’ me today. He has had a good day. Makes me happy.
Unexpected! I’m made up about it. I love good surprises. This album was composed and recorded during the lockdowns. It gave me strength, distraction and for me, has some powerful invocation music for honouring.
Breathing fresh crisp clean air in a forest is revitalizing. 2 years later (and watching a lot of YouTube travel vloggers) after being safe and hidden, consumed in darkness, sometimes fear. Sometimes within the catacombs of surrendering happiness from the escape from society. Even for just moments of meditations. Comfort and creativity… seeking calm in 2022.
I suppose it, with that I mean winter, workload and lockdowns for me was like being stuck underwater for a while, unable to fully feel and breath. The urge to do better with being SAD in January had made me angry. I’m not dwelling on winter viruses, I am counting my blessings that I’ve not been touched by the worst of ‘them’ I’m no longer speaking of the ‘C’ word or ‘O’ variant.. But December was pretty snotty, irritatingly sinus headache heavy! I am tired of it. I’m exhausted at the aftermath. With that comes the need to recharge and be revitalized. Time to break the surface and cause wellbeing ripples. Life is short, experience it. Whilst enjoying lost of tasty fruit and vegetables and no so much ‘naughty food.’
Our solution. We are getting outside walking in the light on weekends. Rain, snow, fog, or sunshine and blue skies like we had last week. A beautiful morning in local place called Thieves Wood. We live in Robin Hood County, Nottinghamshire. We have plenty of green options to explore. There is always an opportunity for a road trip.. Even just for tea and cake! Whilst I adore the sea and its recharge and cleansing ability. There is so much opportunity in this green and pleasant land that is good for the mind, body and soul. My focus now wanders in this wonder.
I needed a tree hug and had one. Beautiful experience. Absorbing stresses, worries, frustrations and returning love, reassurance, peace. Walking amongst them in awe at their vastness, age and good vibes. Clearing my head, amongst them… Whilst some stand bare waiting the springtime buds of blossoms. Some are evergreen and majestic.
We were lucky to spot a deer roaming in the distance. There is something magical about standing on the Earth amongst Trees in silence listening, breathing, Healing. Which is where Earth Tree Healing originated. I just put music to it.
Trees communicate through their roots. They carry past memories, nutrients. The changing seasons and cycles of life. They nurture the earth. They release oxygen and help us breathe. Many love the tree of life symbol.
If you are able..go hug a tree. breathe the fresh air. It will do you a world of good.
What an exquisite journey adventuring in this world…and beyond.
The arrival of my new album is new to you but old to me, as have enjoyed it months in advance. I held it back for release in ‘22 as got ahead of myself recording. Lockdown for me was a productive home studio blissful indulgence for musical hermits. I hope you get the same enjoyment listening to these, finding favorites, creating playlists of my music, as I do composing, recording and performing them. There is a favorite section/ bridge in The Triple Goddess 2 mins 46 seconds in that I love. It is the sound of love and divinity to my ears.
The follow up from my Earth Tree Healing album Goddess. (Track Goddess Temple is a worldwide favourite) Which accompanies the album GODS. Goddess 2 is released Second February Twenty Twenty Two. 2.2.22.
I composed and recorded it at my home studio ‘Claudsville Studios‘ (which is also my meditation and art space and its way to small) most of it during the lockdowns of 2020/2021. I assure you! .. it was a great escape from the doom, gloom, loss and restrictions, fears and benefits of the Pandemic too. Without being a sign of the times. It is a captured reflection of my creativity during strange times, leaning to the advice, support, protection, love of Deities.
Its an ode and a conduit to connect. Music of dedication, essence. The Divine femininity of Deities. An album dedicated to melody, beauty and esoteric rhythms. Whilst there are lots of Goddesses to chose from. These are relevant, synchronistic and were chosen during this particular journey. You can go about your routines, rituals, relaxation to it. Whilst my partner Ange taught some of these Goddesses during her workshops via Zoom. I recorded their resonance.
Track Listing: I’ve selected articles for links on the name titles to articles on these Goddesses. But please do research for in-depth understandings.
The Triple Goddess The three goddesses Persephone, Demeter and Hekate are the original triple goddess, each an aspect of the one great goddess:- Persephone the maiden, Demeter the mother and Hekate the crone or older goddess.
Demeter The Olympian goddess of the harvest and agriculture, presiding over grains and the fertility of the earth.
Isis The ancient Egyptian goddess of fertility and is also known as the goddess of motherhood, magic, death, healing, and rebirth.
Venus is a Roman goddess, whose functions encompassed love, beauty, desire, sex, fertility, prosperity, and victory.
Áine is an Irish goddess of summer, wealth and sovereignty. She is associated with midsummer and the sun.
Blodeuwedd Goddess of flowers, emotions, the wisdom of innocence and initiation ceremonies. She is also known as the Ninefold Goddess of the Western Isles of Paradise.
Frigg in Norse mythology is the goddess of motherhood and is herself the mother of Balder, Hodor and Hermod. Frigg is also the goddess of marriage and her name comes from the verb “fríja” = to love.
Freya is a goddess associated with love, beauty, fertility, sex, war, gold and seiðr.
Lilith Was the first wife of Adam who left the Garden of Eden and became the mother of demons and the supreme empress of Hell. She is also credited as the creator of the Turok-Han, an ancient species of vampire, and is thus regarded as the Mother of Vampires.
Nemesis Nemesis was the goddess of divine retribution and revenge, who would show her wrath to any human being that would commit hubris, i.e. arrogance before the gods.
SaraswatiThe Hindu goddess of knowledge, music, art, speech, wisdom, and learning.
Mawu is a creator goddess, associated with the Sun and Moon in Dahomey mythology. Mawu’s themes are creativity, Universal Law, passion, abundance, birth, and inspiration.
The Triple Goddess single released for Samhain 2021, from album Goddess 2 (released 2022) Much is written and practiced in various cultures. In Wiccan/Neopagan traditions. Honoring femininity of Maiden, Mother, Crone. Symbolizing differing moon phases. The moon waxing crescent, full moon, and a waning crescent. I composed in 3 parts with the intent of beauty, ritual, empowerment, moon phases and magic, darkness.
Its a beautiful piece of ambient new age synthesizer music I hope many will embrace and enjoy.
With dreams of flying, meditations on my egg chair, surrounded by brilliant vibrations and the things, people and animals I love with all of my being. Single Reverie (Meditation) by Earth Tree Healing is a relaxing 7 minute ambient 432Hz soundscape. It’s available to stream, add to your playlists and download for digital stores.
Track listing 1. Werifesteria 2. Divine Journey 3. Azure Oceans 4. Anima 5. Pilgrimage of Elements 6. Agartha 7. Sacred Fire 8. Azure Oceans (Riptide Mix)
This album is an exploration of ambient soundscapes. Most of the track are over 9 minutes long. It has been my escape form the darkness into the womb. Into safety… Recorded during the 2020/2021 lockdown when the mood and need for escape to meditational landscapes took hold. Even upon returning to work from working from home, I’ve played it. Its a comforting partner, accompanying me now I’ve embraced creating new oil paintings after a few very busy years of day job and qualification studies, oh and that pandemic too.
When we were ‘allowed out’ finding remote places to explore and wander. Whilst it was hard missing family and friends in person. The need for peaceful visual countryside experiences, void of crowds has never left me.
The definition of my life – Werifesteria ‘to wander longingly through the forest in search of mystery.’ I’m always searching. I find it in my dreams and meditations. Seeking it as the human experience on this planet is ongoing. The Divine Journey that my healing room/music home studio/art studio and garden which has partly wilded itself the last year has been a tiny paradise.
We had not travelled abroad with trips cancelled and postponed until 2022. We did manage a trip to Cornwall, UK. Sitting watching the waves crash on Fistral Beach in Newquay. Re energised my very being. It was just beautiful. Cool vibes.
Agartha has intrigued me as after switching the news off. I’d watch lots of travel videos on YouTube. I’ve further explored outer worlds, inner worlds, ancient myths, facts and speculations.
Sacred Fire was built around tribal drumming recorded on my iPhone at a Pagan Festival – Pagan Tribal Gathering. Twice now cancelled due to the pandemic. I now have a brand new portaloo and solar shower sat in my garden shed waiting to be used or ready for an apocalypse.
The last track is my surf inspired remix of Azure Oceans. I hope it brings mellow vibes and cosmic journeys to all who listen. I find it accompanied my album ‘They Architect The Stars’ well.
I just finished the album – Goddess 2. Pretty pleased as I’m ahead in album composition and recording in my home studio – which has been my lockdown sanctuary and a hub of productivity. As well as the ambient ‘Pilgrimage of Elements’ releasing at the end of August 2021. I’m all set for Goddess 2.
My Track ‘The Triple Goddess’ musically entertains 3 sections to represent each part.
Vlog and music clips here: (restricted mode)
I’ve rearranged the album track order, to begin the journey with a more haunting, ethereal feel. As there area a few upbeat and melodic tracks.
Whilst my Altar worships the Goddess and her forms. I also wanted to accompany my popular track ‘Goddess Temple’ with The Triple Goddess.