There are no words that can fully describe the sudden loss of my mum on March 25th 2022, aged 69. I’ve always dreaded the eventual loss off a parent. I’m not here to discuss the finer details of her passing. Just to say that to us it was unexpected for us and sudden. For my Mum, I think she knew things were going wrong long before she was admitted to hospital. As a family – we had been planning her coming out, not knowing what was about to occur leading up to her time of death 12.17pm. Whist I have comfort in my oven beliefs of the great beyond. It doesn’t make the shock and grieving any easier. Time……
“Grief is tidal. In time, it can recede and leave us with feelings of peace and advancement, only for it to wash back in with all its crushing hopelessness and sorrow. Back and forth it goes, but with each retreating drift of despair, we are left a little stronger, more resilient, more essential and better at our new life.” – Nick Cave
We’d got word that mum had spoken to Dad around 9am and was in good spirits and ok that Friday morning. But they were doing tests, due to a heart attack at some point. Later that day, I had been sat outside for a lunchtime break enjoying the sunshine and cherry blossom tree at work. Unknown to me Mum had already died by then. I got a phone text from my Brother to call my Dad urgently at 4pm. Just as I was finishing work. From that moment on. My world collapsed. (My mum had escaped Covid. But complications from having type 1 Diabetes as a teenager had taken its toll….)
What followed…Shock, disbelief, imaginings. The incessant replaying of my imaginary version of events in the hospital room she died. Her last texts….My Dads breaking.. utter, complete devastation, anger, not knowing why. I chose not to see her. But remember her in better times. I’d seen her the Sunday before she was admitted into hospital and spoke to her on the phone there Wednesday before. We had a pretty positive conversation, she seemed hopeful to be discharged the following week…That was not meant to be. is preparedness for a death easier than a sudden death, or is watching the decline and often suffering worse? (We have finally got the post mortem results, which have helped explain things)
I’ve never cried so much, never felt so lost. I continue to have moments where I question life and what the point is, my own mortality and health. Even though I’m a practicing spiritual being and very imperfect. The older I get the more I focus on our happiness and health. As wealth, and possessions matter little to the dead. Making memories, experiences and doing some good in the world being me great contentment and purpose.
At the age of 46, I lost the option to hug my Mummy physically. I miss that energy and pure love. I took 2 months off work to process, exist, work through exhaustion, support my Dad. I’m eternally grateful of friends, neighbours, the well being community for all of their kind words, actions and support. Its really has and is helping.
My mum was a card carrying Olympic gold medal winner of worrying. (I wish she had not absorbed and obsessed the news so much and focussed on happier things.) She was mad as a box of frogs, very eccentric and extremely set in her ways, had extremely sensitive hearing, where noise really bothered her. Never listened to a word we told her with ‘our news,’ we just got a ‘Well anyway!’ We often had disagreements and differing opinions. But she was also very kind and generous, would do anything for people. She was my mummy. We will miss going round for her buffet spreads and her stories of her elastic snapping and her skirt falling down in B&Q carpark. Then to hold it up all the way round shopping, only to tell my Dad later. The last few years were restrictive with visits, mum getting out and us keeping them safe, due to the Pandemic. In some ways, from what she said, she thought there would never been a return to normality with it all. In some of her last writings/ instructions, she said to visit her and ‘tell her our news..’ well we can now without interruptions! There was also an emphasis about us all being good humans and looking after each other.
She brought me into this world to experience it, that wonderful precious gift of life and hands for music making. All 3 of us children has been very poorly at birth, but thankfully we all survived. She told us she was pleased she had been here for some of our milestone birthdays. But had hinted she may not be here for her 70th. She loved her collection of over 1000’s Teddy Bears, her garden, nature and their cat ‘Mew.’ My parents were married 51 years. Together for a bit longer. Mum hated social media, so I was ‘banned’ by her from posting videos/ photos of her. Meaning I never got as much footage as I would have liked.
In the darkness of my grief. I began creating music. Dedicating it to Motherhood, loss and her memory. We had to wait a month for her natural burial at Tithe Green – a beautiful, peaceful place, where a cherry tree will be planted on her grave later this year, at the next plantings. (and a non religious insistence from mum in her final instructions) I played one of the tracks ‘Mother’ as she was interred. Along with her favourite Local Hero music by Mark Knopfler ‘Wild Theme’ and ‘Whistle Theme.’ (Also played on what would have been her 70th birthday on June 20th) by her grave, surrounded by her family.
Some things I never discussed with my Mum, Some things I just could not. But my music communicates all I need to say to her and about her. It has been an emotional journey. Crying in my home studio, creating this. Its also been healing. Whilst One never truly gets over loss and death, you learn to live with it. Initially I spoke I feared I’d never be able to feel joy again. It is all part of the steps of grief. there is no exact timetable and order to it. Even now something will set me off. I changed my next of kin contacts to remove my mum yesterday and it set me off crying. Going in a shop and seeing something she would have liked as a gift, or a flowery dress. There is an emptiness that comes with loss of a loved parent. When it first happened, I kept crying out ‘I want my mummy.’ As if the child of me and in me reawakened.
Watch my music and memories below.
Track listing: Album ‘Mother’ (Released later in 2022)
Butterflies and Bees
Our Love is Undying
The Cherry Tree
We’ve had messages, signs she is about in spirit and is ok. This gives me peace. My Dad is our main focus now, in supporting him and helping him in his twilight years. Cherish every moment, every day and spend quality time with your loved ones…… I take every days as it comes, work on myself, maintain my mental health, diving more into life changes, moving house, booking things to look forwards to. Good food, fresh air, forests. As much as I can Meditation and Reiki practice. Our new home we are moving to in August, is already known to me literally as ‘Healing House.’ We made the decision to move a while ago and began readying ourselves by de-junking and packing boxes. Seeing our new house and confirming its a definite goer was a good thing. I’ve discussed mortality with my Dad. plus our want to buy land and go and live a simple life. The escape from society can be achieved. Escaping from oneself, ones fears and issues is not so easy. I tried to escape and leave it all behind for a few days and short break in Somerset. NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. It followed me with a vengeance. Dealing and fronting up to all of this, is a hard slog. A massive thank you to Ange, my wifey. I have put her through a lot of shit and upset. She has helped us all so much. Ange – I love you so much. xxxx
Ange told me the moment my mum passed, my Grandma (her mum) was waiting to take her. My Mum was never a believer in anything spiritual, ghosts, afterlife and had abandoned any previous Religious beliefs (Due to the horrors of the world-‘What God would allow so much suffering etc) I always said to her, she would find out it was all real one day. Now she has! She is fine, we are all not so fine. I’ve been given messages and information from a trusted Psychic reader (separately from Ange) that no one else would know. Which is really reassuring, comforting and interesting.
I’d gone upstairs, in the room that my mum used to do her jigsaws in. Not been in there for months at Dads. The clock on the wall had stopped dead at 12.17 (the time of death) I’d shouted down to my dad about this and checked that my brother and sister had not altered it. He said that clock had stopped the year before, mum had asked him to change the battery and he had not…..
Mum has been around a lot in my dreams lately. This brings comfort and upset as I miss her. I’ve talked to many people about loss. My loss is not comparable to yours, as we all experience different journeys with it. But kind of all join that ‘club.’
“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world–the company of those who have known suffering.” Helen Keller
There are people with far more tragic losses with their given circumstances. But it does in a good way, feel nice to help others with my own experiences. As positive things can come out of all of this too.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
You can watch the ‘Adventures with Clange’ moving house bitch fits and series here
There is also my own talking therapy Claud Vlogs:
My Dad ‘Face Timed’ me today. He has had a good day. Makes me happy.
Unexpected! I’m made up about it. I love good surprises. This album was composed and recorded during the lockdowns. It gave me strength, distraction and for me, has some powerful invocation music for honouring.
The arrival of my new album is new to you but old to me, as have enjoyed it months in advance. I held it back for release in ‘22 as got ahead of myself recording. Lockdown for me was a productive home studio blissful indulgence for musical hermits. I hope you get the same enjoyment listening to these, finding favorites, creating playlists of my music, as I do composing, recording and performing them. There is a favorite section/ bridge in The Triple Goddess 2 mins 46 seconds in that I love. It is the sound of love and divinity to my ears.
The follow up from my Earth Tree Healing album Goddess. (Track Goddess Temple is a worldwide favourite) Which accompanies the album GODS. Goddess 2 is released Second February Twenty Twenty Two. 2.2.22.
I composed and recorded it at my home studio ‘Claudsville Studios‘ (which is also my meditation and art space and its way to small) most of it during the lockdowns of 2020/2021. I assure you! .. it was a great escape from the doom, gloom, loss and restrictions, fears and benefits of the Pandemic too. Without being a sign of the times. It is a captured reflection of my creativity during strange times, leaning to the advice, support, protection, love of Deities.
Its an ode and a conduit to connect. Music of dedication, essence. The Divine femininity of Deities. An album dedicated to melody, beauty and esoteric rhythms. Whilst there are lots of Goddesses to chose from. These are relevant, synchronistic and were chosen during this particular journey. You can go about your routines, rituals, relaxation to it. Whilst my partner Ange taught some of these Goddesses during her workshops via Zoom. I recorded their resonance.
Track Listing: I’ve selected articles for links on the name titles to articles on these Goddesses. But please do research for in-depth understandings.
The Triple Goddess The three goddesses Persephone, Demeter and Hekate are the original triple goddess, each an aspect of the one great goddess:- Persephone the maiden, Demeter the mother and Hekate the crone or older goddess.
Demeter The Olympian goddess of the harvest and agriculture, presiding over grains and the fertility of the earth.
Isis The ancient Egyptian goddess of fertility and is also known as the goddess of motherhood, magic, death, healing, and rebirth.
Venus is a Roman goddess, whose functions encompassed love, beauty, desire, sex, fertility, prosperity, and victory.
Áine is an Irish goddess of summer, wealth and sovereignty. She is associated with midsummer and the sun.
Blodeuwedd Goddess of flowers, emotions, the wisdom of innocence and initiation ceremonies. She is also known as the Ninefold Goddess of the Western Isles of Paradise.
Frigg in Norse mythology is the goddess of motherhood and is herself the mother of Balder, Hodor and Hermod. Frigg is also the goddess of marriage and her name comes from the verb “fríja” = to love.
Freya is a goddess associated with love, beauty, fertility, sex, war, gold and seiðr.
Lilith Was the first wife of Adam who left the Garden of Eden and became the mother of demons and the supreme empress of Hell. She is also credited as the creator of the Turok-Han, an ancient species of vampire, and is thus regarded as the Mother of Vampires.
Nemesis Nemesis was the goddess of divine retribution and revenge, who would show her wrath to any human being that would commit hubris, i.e. arrogance before the gods.
SaraswatiThe Hindu goddess of knowledge, music, art, speech, wisdom, and learning.
Mawu is a creator goddess, associated with the Sun and Moon in Dahomey mythology. Mawu’s themes are creativity, Universal Law, passion, abundance, birth, and inspiration.
The Triple Goddess single released for Samhain 2021, from album Goddess 2 (released 2022) Much is written and practiced in various cultures. In Wiccan/Neopagan traditions. Honoring femininity of Maiden, Mother, Crone. Symbolizing differing moon phases. The moon waxing crescent, full moon, and a waning crescent. I composed in 3 parts with the intent of beauty, ritual, empowerment, moon phases and magic, darkness.
Its a beautiful piece of ambient new age synthesizer music I hope many will embrace and enjoy.
With dreams of flying, meditations on my egg chair, surrounded by brilliant vibrations and the things, people and animals I love with all of my being. Single Reverie (Meditation) by Earth Tree Healing is a relaxing 7 minute ambient 432Hz soundscape. It’s available to stream, add to your playlists and download for digital stores.
I just finished the album – Goddess 2. Pretty pleased as I’m ahead in album composition and recording in my home studio – which has been my lockdown sanctuary and a hub of productivity. As well as the ambient ‘Pilgrimage of Elements’ releasing at the end of August 2021. I’m all set for Goddess 2.
My Track ‘The Triple Goddess’ musically entertains 3 sections to represent each part.
Vlog and music clips here: (restricted mode)
I’ve rearranged the album track order, to begin the journey with a more haunting, ethereal feel. As there area a few upbeat and melodic tracks.
Whilst my Altar worships the Goddess and her forms. I also wanted to accompany my popular track ‘Goddess Temple’ with The Triple Goddess.
Creating art is an exquisite experience. To release colour, shapes, visions, abstracts into surfaces, objects is something that I’ve enjoyed from childhood. Our home is filled with it. Alas it’s time to progress and create more to sell for more collectors to enjoy. I can’t take it with me when I pop my Clogs… and only my Vlogs and music remain.
Time to not glance at the horrors of the news, the manipulations of facts, the speculations and opinions that only lead to dark thoughts and times.
My clouds are colourful. As my hands age… each second.. each moment. I make the most of my every day dexterity. I choose legacy and bliss. Thank the power of Specsavers for Varifocals in ones mid 40’s!
My latest work in progress:
Creating a Crystal Guitar. Energy Art – Claudine West – Video.
It’s been a vibrational weekend. You know when you get that tired, but buzzing you can’t sleep before or after.. Then Monday happens FFS.
We participated at the LizianEvents Newark Well Being Market 10th & 11th July 2021. I have a table with my music on at the shows. I’m not a saleswoman. The thought of it gives me inner and outer turmoil. So please do talk all things musical with me and I’m relaxed. Ange deals with business, negotiation and money. I’ve afforded CD duplication runs some of my Earth Tree Healing albums, for hard copy seekers of independent artist relaxation, meditation and melody – positives to a pandemic and not going out or on manyAdventures With Clange (Our YouTube Vlog) in 2020/2021. It truly is an honour when I connect with people who already have some and enjoy the music I channel. Success to me is others finding and benefitting from my finger dribblings.
Financial gains are reinvested in instruments, music releases. I have a full time challenging at times and pandemics day job within the Supply Chain, Procurement function, (without adequate pay rises for over a decade!) In the NHS. As well as Ange’s relentless hard work 7 days a week as a self employed bird running 3 businesses. That affords our bills, rent and a few treats and adventures.. Plus extra satisfaction that I’m doing my bit for helping patients. I’d previously walked away from 18 years in retail – As could no longer bear the abuse, whining and violence from the general public, rubbish hours and rubbish pay. Being non stop in employment from the age of 16. It has been a slog. Times I haven’t coped, needed time outs…Motivations, ambition and trying every day gets us one step closer. Pity parties, well… happen but get dealt with. But now is time to focus on futures. This journey is great.
Before Ange and I became patrons of these shows. I’d been a bit cynical about having ‘therapies’ especially with the people about in a big venue. Housing a mind that wanders and chatters more than the easy morning birds. I meditate at home in solitude…Music is my meditation too. Well until the cats realise and head butt the healing room door miaowing – thinking I’m dead! I’m also quite new to sound therapies. I’ve been committed to creating my own vibrations musically for 30 years. I’d not really explored it. Now friends, I confess…I’m a true convert and addict. If you haven’t tried it, what have you to lose? You may discover something that releases, balances, journeys and opens up something truly amazing.
Now we are full blown participants. Ange focusing fully with selling magical herbal incense, handmade candles etc with Fenix Flamesand the book publishing side. She did used to do Tarot Readings at the events. But is busy enough doing it as her ‘day job’ from home, and wants to focus on building the Fenix Flames business. When people come in asking, ‘where are the witches?’ it’s an honour. Ange loves doing talks and demonstrations. Genuinely helping others with their paths. Making money with integrity business is one thing. Being affordable and accessible is paramount. But there is also a responsibility for others and doing things the right way without greed or jealousy. A customer and client has a choice. There are enough for all.
We connect with community members. I now do a ‘Tongue Drum’ accompaniment with Alan Wood’s Native American Traditions and Saging Ceremonies outside the venue at the events. Which are now followed by a Guided Meditation by Ange and live sounds my me outside (weather permitting) Ange and I are planning to record some new Earth Tree Healing guided meditation CD’s off the back of great feedback. I also play the Tongue Drum for Don and Carol Harradine’s Taiji demonstrations and Qigong. We have built lasting friendships with this community. It’s one big family.
Even though Ange and I have Bitch Fit domestics, when I’ve spent all my show ‘pocket money’ on treatments and ask for more £. :-0 A treat! I purchased some Orgonite Pyramids from Mysical Messengers which are a stunning addition to our healing room and home studio.
Saturday: Before kick off of the event. A gong bath by Richard Hissittwho I’ve also commissioned to build me solfeggio tubes (used for healing) Every time I embark on a gong bath spiritual journey. It involves other worldly visions, a great feeling of out of body departure and relaxation. I remember looking up in my minds eye to a blue sky above the purple haze and seeing a mothership in the clouds. Very UFO related. A subject I actively enjoy. I’ve very excited for future ventures with Richard, Norma and Luna.
Sunday: Congeries of Sound Therapy. The show before this… Intrigue and Iza Moon convinced me to try. Eyes closed. Breathing calmer. As the frantic mind chatter subsided. The pulsating shapes and colours came. A psychic lava lamp. Brilliant light. A rush of the purest fresh air… breathing. A clearance. When I’m the presence of masters, archangels..The presence of God. The energies are strong. The journey to my true self is underway. I’m still struggling to speak my full truth. As the day job and study blocks send my mind chatter into crazy. The fear of letting go and fully embracing my creativity is a struggle beyond previous addictions. The advice and truths given were absolute, not offensive and perfect. Each session different in tone, instrument, therapeutic act. There are moments when I wish I’d pressed record. The Rav Vast Drum played a hauntingly soul encapsulating melody. Darren channels his guides. I’m now saving up for one – patience Claud, the wait is worth the reward! My latest (as I invest all back into it and album renewals on Tunecore for my Earth Tree Healing digital releases) music royalties are currently tied up in releasing my new album ‘Pilgrimage of Elements.’ I’m trying not to sound like ‘Braggy McBragville from Bragland’ stating I really enjoyed composing, recording and listening to this album. Its proper chill. I love it. It kept the darkness from the door during the last year I tell thee!
The song and tone is beautiful. Thank you Darren. Congeries of Sound Discussing Shamanic Healing and the joy of sound therapy. Iza also had just bought one, after experiencing treatments from Darren too. We will all be going to ‘Rav Vast drums’ Addicts Anonymous soon!
Here is a video of me performing at this event. (I’ve asked advice from Mr Timothy and a really good iphone mic is also on my shopping list to buy)
My path is clearer. Synchronicities.. Please so help me by listening to my music and sharing. Getting out there to more listeners really does pay me to invest in making more music.