Coping in the darkness

Lately I’ve had times of waking in the early hours. Staring into my minds pit of darkness and despair. Anxiety in the pit of ones stomach. Worry of all kinds. Exploring the void in well-being created by a pandemic. I hate to use the word ‘wobble.’ But there you go.

In a lot of ways, I’m completely safe. I’m currently working from home. Bar one day a week working on site. Staying away from people, masks, social distancing, PPE. With some underlying health conditions. Is the rebellion worth the risk? For me personally – no. Along with that comes guilt, as I currently am not working on the front line at the hospital due to a very high risk assessment. Much respect goes to all the heroes. From carers to retail staff. To all the people cooking meals for people in need, animal rescuers and charities. To the good folk you would never even consider doing good.

Mask wearing really is unpleasant – for long periods of time and with physical work. It leaves me with a dry tickley throat, like I’ve inhaled fibres. But even if it offers me even a tiny bit of extra protection when near people from COVID juice – I’ll suck it up. I’ve not seen evidence that anxiety and non mask wearing stops virus spread. The evidence with masks is well….Space suits next? For all the science, opinion, conspiracy theories, truths, lies, long term study and digestion of the coronavirus pandemic. We are in stasis in the UK currently. Our freedoms, lifestyles are on hold. Fear is being fed causing long term addictions, self destruction and mental health issues.

Through medication and medical breakthroughs, living healthier, evolution, improved healthcare. Humans are able to extend their lives, living longer. With older bodies, immune systems. When is the tipping point reached in nature? What man made/discovered horrors do we bear witness to? Life is fragile. We were never designed to live forever. We will all die of something or multiple somethings. But when the heart finally stops beating. The cycle of life does not comfort lost loved ones. ‘No one here gets out alive.’

I’m a spiritual being. I take comfort that the body dying is not the end. But I fear suffering. Am empathic, which at times affects me a lot. In someways I’ve become far to sensitive in this world. That is my belief and my experiences. I live with a psychic Tarot Reader. Yet I do not dwell on my death date… just a fear of losing the physical presence of the ones I love.

Bar catching anything from the odd takeaway, home delivery. Our risk is minimal. But the odd sniffle, under the weather has still happened. Why I ask? All precautions thoroughly adhered to. I have not missed shops. I love our outdoors farm shop, and a good trott around a garden centre. Our days of supermarket shopping are well and truly over. There is a minority of dirty, personal space invaders, rude and vile individuals, who frequent these places. Who drag their feral crotch fruit goblins about causing mayhem.. best avoided. Home delivery, alongside small farm shops/local business/fresh food purchases is the Clange way of living now.

Paranoia and worry keeps a knocking…sets in again. What if I die? What if I can’t breathe? Worries about family and friends, Ange. The future. Financial survival. Holidays.

I’ve had some stinking and stonking nasty winter viruses in the past. Nothing as bad that bed rest and antibiotics haven’t cured.

I’m not going to focus on the destruction, gaslighting, manipulation, speculation done by the media in every format, including social media arguments. – as I just stick to watching nice animal stories or YouTube travel or foodie vlogs. I have also been enjoying some excellent middle earth, Nephilim/Alien/Bigfoot documentaries.

The wrongs and rights of actions by Governments. Well…..

All I have control over is how we weather this storm.

I miss our adventures. We are adventuring with Clange with home cooking. Ange is enjoying doing live cook offs. https://m.facebook.com/weareclange/

And a new YouTube channel Adventures With Clange https://youtube.com/channel/UCPQcD0P6MHFET1ksQ0XT2fA

My personal remedy. Exercise on the cross trainer, walking around the lakes. (Luckily across the road from us …#local) Cutting out snacking and sticking to healthier meals from Gousto- a Godsend has been online shopping and these delivered meals. With hardly any alcohol consumption. The body feels pretty ok atm.

With a stone in weight lost since my binge eating marathon during lockdown 1. I’m feeling a bit better in myself. Gradual and a permanent lifestyle change works for me.

Use of sad lamp, switching news off. Recording lots more music in home studio (which got me through 2020)

New album blog here >

Gods Album By Earth Tree Healing | Claudine West Music

Whilst dealing with other people’s negativity. I said at the start of this that people will be judged on their actions and behaviours. Some have truly let themselves down.

I certainly haven’t missed being in the company of these sorts.

Others have embraced a bad situation and been inspiring… the light in the dark.

In some ways lockdown has been blissful. I miss my family and friends. The last time I saw my parents, was at the end of their driveway on Xmas day. Just to collect presents. There have been no physical hugs with them since March 2020. Phone calls and ‘face time’ virtual catch ups are our only option. Ange misses her family in Portsmouth. We wait for better days and #Clange travels.

Our cat Tipsy died last November. A heartbreaking experience. A gradual deterioration of appetite and diagnosis of intestinal growth. They couldn’t operate, as her blood pressure dropped when our vet attempted surgery. We spent the last few weeks with her, in bits, comforting her. We got to stroke her in masks, at the vets door, on a trolley when they put her to sleep. She (her ashes) is now home, in her mango wood box. (A lovely bereavement card sent and signed from the staff- thank you) We miss her so much. She was the most loving cat with character, that would hold our hands with her paws. Lockdown 1 afforded me unknown extra time with her whilst working home. For that I’m truly grateful. Time is precious. Our pets are our babies. (Not that I ever wanted children, or see them as a replacement)

Tipsy & Rambo

I’ve spent too much time gaming playing Days Gone during the darkness and futility of January. Killing Zombie hoards has led to nightmares and rage. Ange is very supportive and tolerant (until she loses hers) of my shit fits.

With the end now in sight to my level 4 CIPS (Chartered Institute of Procurement and Supply) qualification. It’s time now to knuckle down with study. This in turn has made me realise that I never, ever want to study again.

I have the mind of a creative. Not the memory of an academic. Stick to what brings you happiness and not stress Claud! (Completely grateful to my workplace though) but a struggle whilst working full time in the NHS during a pandemic!

And, most importantly to me..whilst balancing my composer work. (I’ve been truly honest, whilst fully appreciative with my tutor at college- she gets it)

So next steps for me my medication is meditation and Reiki. I’ve neglected it lately.

Take care out there

⁃ Claudine

Mabon and The Master Plan

The Autumn Equinox, the harvest and changing of the seasons. I also cycle through the Wheel of the Year with composing tracks for my forthcoming album (2018 release) 8 Sabbats’ by Earth Tree Healing.

The darkness is coming. I’m at the point of disillusionment in Muggleland. Whilst grateful the bills get paid and a few treats. Its very easy to get sucked into that vortex and remain totally unfulfilled and frustrated. Anxiety and stress levels increase.  Change is on the horizon. Which is only a good thing. The stagnant pond that has been… needed it. A feeling of hopelessness has enveloped for a month. Whilst I accept I’ll never really fit into that world. It still stings. My soul and fingers are given to creative adventures. Once I enter the healing room/studio. Thats where the magic happens. Bliss returns. A rotation of Rose Quartz and Amethyst is pillow rotation to help the bad dreams of late.

Yes these current energies are creating havoc. When one feels them as I do. It makes my exposure to the bad ones, the liars, the lazys, the users, the manipulators .. one giant ice cream headache. In this world I am at time so very lost and disappointed with peoples selfishness.

Even after a week off on hols. We did some serious life reevaluating. I want to become a recluse for 6 months and recharge. But…the drive to succeed is strong. Sometimes you just have to get on and make the best of what today brings. But on a positive. The practicality and decision to better balance my life has been made and fingers crossed begins soon. The wants for a Hurdy Gurdy after a trip to Arundel Castle watching jousting is a treat waiting to happen.

Getting back to nature and my Pagan roots has been refreshing and inspiring. When one is all time consumed. The Universe will interject occurrences to freeze frame and rethink the master plan.

We spent last Sunday seeing old friends at Pagan Pride in Nottingham. The need to reconnect is now stronger than ever.  A canal boat ride at Cromford Canal. On a sunny Saturday afternoon chatting to strangers was needed. I shot this video footage to Mabon.

A Psychic Supper last night with Sally Wathen at Rainbow Bridge. The realisation further being confirmed each time I visit to just do it! Things, synchronicity and sods law can have one almost bitter seething on the edge of a razor. When you find out the world is flat and enter the rabbit hole. Its time to step back. Switch it all off and make music.

“Some of the ugliest things are the loveliest things.”

It’s time to make waves

waves (1)

With quite a few albums in the pipeline for 2018 onwards. Claudine is a busy Bog Woppit. I keep affirming that everything is going to be ok. It is isnt it?

 1 day later. An amazing opportunity occurred…. I love the Universe. 

A day after that. Another box ticker. Hard work, dedication, positive mindset. Doing things for the right reason brings an incalculable abundance to my life here. 

It shines so very brightly when the right path is followed. 🙂 

 

THE FEAR THE FEAR THE FEAR

LEAVE ME LANDLOPING

MY COMPLIMENTS ERODING

I WATCH I WORRY

WHITE FEATHER REASSURE ME

MY ARMOURS WEATHERED

I REASSURE GLORY

THE SUITS AND THE ECHOES

THERES PANIC IN THE GHETTO

THE PIONEERS AND BABBLING MERCHANTS OF DRIVEL

THE ROOMS  AND THE RECKONING

THE FEAR THE FEAR THE FEAR THE QUIVER

THIS RIVER HOLDS MANY

THERE IS PANIC

WHERE THE RIVER GOES

WATCH ME TRANSFORMING

I’M MINDFUL TERRAFORMING

I WATCH I DON’T WORRY

FLASH BACKS REMIND ME

THE ESCAPE , THE DEEP THE DEEP THE DEEP

THE DEEP RETREATING MEGALODON

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THE FEAR THE FEAR THE FEAR is Track 2, in the month of February from the forthcoming 2017 solo album by Claudine West. Track 1 is Mantaray 

https://claudinewestmusic.com/